10.Twelve Heineken in Nova Scotia: 24.99. Twelve Heineken in Quebec: 16.99. And we make fun of the French.
9.Shows the premiered in 1985/86: Thundercats, Larry King Live, The Gummi Bears, The Golden Girls, McGyver, Jem, Perfect Strangers, Ghostbusters (the one with the Ape), Pee Wee's Playhouse, The Real Ghostbusters (the real one), LA Law, ALF, Zoobilee Zoo, Dennis The Menace, Matlock, and Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Kevin Nealon, Jon Lovitz and Dennis Miller join the cast of SNL.
Shows that premiered in 2008/2009: A Shot At Love 2 With Tila Tequila, Living Lohan, Big Brother 9, 90210 (again), Knight Rider (again), Paris Hilton's My New BFF, Late Night With JIMMY FALLON, Glee, How'd You Get So Rich?, Kourtney and Kloe Take Miami, Melrose Place (AGAIN), The Jay Leno Show, The Cleveland Show, The Wanda Sykes Show, JERSEY SHORE, The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty, and Power Rangers goes OFF the air.
We are losing to the 80's. That's pathetic.
8.Rogers wireless. If someone disagrees with me on this one, I swear to you I will fight you, be you god or man, woman or child, so strongly does hatred for Rogers Wireless run through my veins. I have their customer service center stored in my phone as "Hitler". I am SERIOUS.
7.People who argue Mac vs PC. Calm down. Both your products will break in 2 years and cost twice as much to replace. You're equally stupid.
6.Celebrity gossip magazines. Not because they're shallow and un-newsworthy (they are). Because they're 100% lies and people pay money for them. They're not 'rumors' or 'buzz'. When a quote in a magazine or newspaper says 'sources close to the couple' or 'inside sources say', it's journalistic jargon for 'I was too lazy to write something factual'.
5.People who watch Lost. At least when I watch Dog The Bounty Hunter or Gossip Girl or Dawson's Creek I admit I'm watching a piece of crap. And yes, Gossip Girl. GET OFF MY BACK.
4.Cab drivers who ask for directions. If I knew how to get there, I would take the bus. This does not apply to the cabbie who let me drink a beer while he yelled random things into my speaker phone at a competing taxi company who were slow to pick me up. You are awesome.
3."Following up" on job interviews with a phone call because it 'shows you're actually interested'. Who are these people who print out fake resumes, drive to random places of business and apply 'just for the fun of it'? I mean, I've done that too, but only to jobs that I'm wildly unqualified for (and, fyi, I actually got a response from CIBC so, I'd watch out for their employees...)
2.People who say "HEY...that's not funny...my ***** has/is ******." I don't care. If I did care, I wouldn't have made the joke in the first place. Deal with it.
1.People who use 'u' instead of 'you'. It is 2010. My 8 year old cousin uses full words when she types.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Ten Albums (and Ten Drinks) To Ease You Through A Breakup
You're in bed till three in the afternoon. Your room is cluttered with empty bottles and cigarette butts, and you don't even smoke. You haven't shaved in a week, even though your facial hair comes in patchy and odd looking. You wear sunglasses 24/7, indoors or out.
You've been dumped.
Ah the break up. No matter how old you get, no matter how many relationships you have, no matter how thick your skin is, everyone has to experience at least one devastating break up. It usually happens in your early twenties, you fall hard, maybe with someone you perceive to be out of you league. It's tumultuous from the start, with emotions at a boiling point almost immediately (a side effect of falling head over heels). And then suddenly, it's over. And you're dying inside. You'll never be the same again. You'll never love another person. Or maybe you'll just hang around in pyjama pants for a few days drinking wine. Well, if there's one thing I've learned from repeated heartbreak, it's nothing gets you through those black days and weeks better than music (booze comes in a close second).
So, as a public service to every heart broken guy or gal out there, here it is.
Ten Albums (and Ten Drinks) to Ease You Through A Break Up
They're in descending order from Most Heartbroken to Almost Recovered. So let's start it off with the worst.
10. Tom Waits - Small Change
Step right up dejected youngsters and let me teach you a little something about broken hearts. If anyone had ever attempted to distill the sound of a heart tearing in half, the result surely would have been Small Change.
A whiskey soaked masterpiece that reeks of cigarette smoke and cheap hooch, Tom recorded it in 1976, in the midst of his Jazz influenced, drunken beatnik persona. And he definitely lives up to it on this album. From Bad Liver and a Broken Heart to The Piano Has Been Drinking to the excellent advice on Invitation To The Blues, Tom keep's the tone of the album set strictly to devastation. But amazingly, it's the album's opening track that nails the entire thesis down in under seven minutes. Tom Traubert's Blues, largely based on an 1890 Australian folksong, takes it's tone from it's own subtitle, Nine Sheets To The Wind in Copenhagen. Though he claimed many different inspirations for this particular song (in a famous Australian bootleg he refers to it's subject matter as 'throwing up in a foreign country'), his producer on the album, Bones Howe, had this to say about the song's genesis:
"He said the most wonderful thing about writing that song. He went down and hung around on skid row in L.A. because he wanted to get stimulated for writing this material. He called me up and said, 'I went down to skid row ... I bought a pint of rye. In a brown paper bag.' I said, 'Oh really?'. 'Yeah - hunkered down, drank the pint of rye, went home, threw up, and wrote 'Tom Traubert's Blues... Every guy down there ... everyone I spoke to, a woman put him there."
Amen to that.
Coinciding Drink = Bottle of Glenlivit Single Malt Scotch, Glass, No ice, sitting on the Floor of your apartment, with a picture of him/her in your hand.
9. Joni Mitchell - Blue
Oh, poor Joni. Where to start on this tear stained masterpiece. A breakup album spanning at least three relationships, this album has the distinction of being so incestuous as to employ two of her former lovers as session players and one as producer. A heroin ravaged James Taylor plays occasional guitars, and a coke fueled Stephen Stills contributes his own six string accompaniment on songs that may have actually been inspired by the men themselves, all while a third lover, David Crosby, was overseeing the album from the booth. Jeez. Talk about masochistic.
I own most of these albums on vinyl, and that's where they hit you the hardest. The first side of this album is all promise and excitement, inspired by Joni's European sabbatical where she wrote much of the music of Blue. But on the last track of side one, the clouds start to roll in. "Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, Well I don't think so But I'm gonna take a look around it though".
Side B starts off with California, a fairly upbeat song that inspired Zeppelin to write their own ode to the Sunshine State, and then takes an abrupt turn towards affairs of the heart. This Flight Tonight tells us that maybe leaving isn't always the best way to escape, while River remains possibly the saddest Christmas Carol ever written. Although the album closes with The Last Time I Saw Richard, I always thought it's emotional centerpiece was A Case Of You, and the last refrain tells the whole sorry tale:
"You're in my blood like holy wine, you taste so bitter and yet so sweet, oh I could drink a case of you and I'd still be on my feet". Drink up, Joni.
Drink = A Case of J Lohr Seven Oaks Cabernet Sauvignon, Still on the Floor
8. Whiskeytown - Stranger's Almanac
What would heartbreak be without country rock? It'd be fucking boring, that's what. Ryan Adam's old band had their major label debut in 1997 with this album, and the wounds of love colour this as much as any of Adams' later solo work.
A bit more upbeat than the previous two entries, this album serves as the soundtrack to a very important part of the grieving process : loudly (and drunkenly) slandering your ex. This part requires the help of two or three close friends, a few bottles of strong hooch and a nice sound system to blast the music from while agreeing with everyone that "That bitch wasn't worth it, man" or "You know he wasn't good enough for you, he was a complete loser". It's ok, they don't really mean it (usually), but there's something about country music that makes everyone want to act like a relationship psychiatrist. Go with the catharsis, you know you'll just be texting them at 1am anyway.
Oh, and be forewarned. The songs may sound upbeat but by the second track on the album, you know exactly where you are:
"Well excuse me if I break my own heart tonight, some things aren't born too strong and have to learn how to fight, this situation keeps me drinking every goddamn day and night, this situation don't seem so right.".
Drink = Wild Turkey 101 and Coke, plenty of ice, and a pack of Marlboros, sitting at your Kitchen Table
7. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
Oh dear. You messed up, didn't you? You woke up in the morning (instead of the afternoon or evening), got out of bed, showered, shaved or did your hair, put on your sunglasses and went out into the world. It's been a few days or a week, and you just feel...ok. You feel like, alright, I can do this. It's not such a big deal. I feel fine. I'm going to get back to my life.
Then someone walks by you wearing her perfume or you see a guy that looks like him or you hear a song on the radio that used to remind you of how much you two were perfect for each other, and the facade collapses, and you're back in the fetal position on the couch, watching Seinfeld reruns and ignoring your roommates pleas to at least put some pants on. You need a breather.
Bon Iver is not really a band so much as one guy, Justin Vernon and, as the title indicates, this album was written at the end of a relationship. But under very interesting circumstances.
After breaking up with both a band and a girl, Vernon retreated to a rural cabin in Wisconsin for a few months, and recorded this whole album himself by overdubbing all the vocals and instruments. What resulted was an album that projects the very essence of mourning in the depths of winter. Vernon sings the entire album in a whispery falsetto that is at times both comforting and foreboding, and his lyricism is matched only by his ability to stretch thin production and low fi recording into an almost symphonic depth. When he screams "Now if all your love is wasted, then who the hell was I?", his pain is palpable, and when he whispers "All my love was down in the frozen ground", you can almost feel the cold.
Drink = Sailor Jerry Rum and Ginger Beer (a Dark and Stormy), in a chair by the window.
6.Bob Dylan - Blood on the Tracks
Where would we all be, musically, without good ol' Bobby Zimmerman?
Regarded as one of the classic breakup albums, Blood tells the story of Dylan's separation from then-wife Sara Lownds (a union that gave birth to singer songwriter Jakob Dylan of the Wallflowers). The songs were recorded twice, once fully in New York and again in Minneapolis, with tracks from both sessions included on the final album. From Tangled Up In Blue to Buckets of Rain, the songs on this album put forth stark and honest questions about love and loss, about innocence and betrayal, and about dealing with hating and loving someone at the same time. When Dylan sings "Suddenly I turned around and she was standing there...", you hear a kind of emotional honesty you don't usually get from a musician of his status and reputation. Just goes to show you what love can do to even the most stoical heart.
Drink = Cheap red Wine, on the Couch
5. Derek and the Dominos - Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs
This one is a tough one. This is the part where you're leaving drunken answering machine messages and texting a hundred times a day and updating your facebook status seven times a day with lyrics that remind you how sad you are (which is every song in the world). You all know the story (or you should), but for those not in the know, let me break it down.
Eric Clapton, guitar god, is friends with George Harrison, Beatle. George is married to Pattie Boyd, model. Clapton want Pattie. Patti rejects him. Clapton wants cocaine. Cocaine does not reject him, and neither does heroin. Pattie eventually leaves George for Clapton, and they get married, but the marriage doesn't last (these affairs never do), and from this awful experience, one of the greatest rock albums of all time was born (George and Eric remained friends).
Everyone knows the title track, with it's shredding guitar lick (curtesy of Duane Allman) and piano coda. But for me, it's the second track on the album, Bell Bottom Blues, that does it:
"Do you wanna see me crawl across the floor to you, do you wanna hear me beg you to take me back? I'll gladly do it."
A sprawling double album, perfect company for a long, dark night alone with your thoughts.
Drink = Whatever you want, Just stay away from the Junk
4.Jackson Browne - Late For The Sky
This is one of my personal favorites. You might know Jackson Browne best from a song recorded by another band. "Take It Easy", one of The Eagles many hits, was written by Browne, and many of the eagles play or sing on this album.
Though many of the songs on this album hold amazing melodies and lyrics, the standout track is, again, the first on the album and also the title track. Late For The Sky, dominated by David Lindley's mournful slide guitar and vocal harmonies from Don Henley and JD Souther, this masterpiece may be the best example I've heard to date of a broken man asking "why?" to nobody in particular. It also boasts my all time favorite lyric:
"How long have I been sleeping, how long have I been drifting alone through the night, how long have I been dreaming I could make it right if I closed my eyes and tried with all my might to be the one you need."
After this chorus is a musical break, a single snare shot bringing us back from the brink to a Lindley slide solo that sounds like a prayer.
Drink - Gin and Tonic with a splash of Bitters, at your Piano or, failing that, a good book
3. Beck - Sea Change
On the road to recovery, we have Beck's great breakup album. All desert wind and sunrises, change is the essence of this record. The opening lines, "Put your hands on the wheel, let the golden age begin" tell us that maybe, just maybe, everything's going to be alright. This is the perfect come-down record for when the sky doesn't seem quite as dark, the world maybe a little less mean, and the pain a little subdued. Put the needle to the groove and let the relaxed instrumentation take you away to a place in your mind that belongs to you, and you alone.
Drink = Coronas with a lime wedge on the Deck. Get outside.
2. Brendan Benson - My Old, Familiar Friend
"I fell in love with you, then out of love with you, then back in love with you all in the same day" Benson sings on the opening track of this album from the guy in the Racontours who isn't Jack White. There's something about this guy's voice and his arrangements that make it feel kind of timeless, like Buddy Holly or The Everley Brothers. This is the music that takes you out of your house and gets you back functioning as a normal person again, showering once a day, laughing it up, and keeping your cell phone firmly in the 'off' position after midnight. Every now and then you might think about them, but you feel like you've gotten through the worst of it, learned something, maybe even become a better person because of it. After all, he says "I fell in love with you", but he also says "I feel a whole lot better when you're not around".
Drink = Vodka and Tonic, at a bar
And the final stage.
1. Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
You've come full circle, and it's all here on this album. Grief, regret, catharsis and triumph, as well as some of the most beautiful music recorded in the past decade. With guest harmonies by the always amazing Emmylou Harris, Conor Oberst managed to record an entire album of excellent songs about not only heartbreak, but about redemption and the changes that come along with love and loss.
Well there you go. It's over, or it's just beginning, depending on which way you look at things, and you've become the person you used to be again. You've lived through something that everyone must, at some point, conquer. And you're left with a lot of time passed but not wasted, and maybe even a few lessons learned. And you're still not quite sure what to make of this whole 'love' thing, but maybe next time, things will be different.
"So I go back and forth forever, All my thoughts they come in pairs, Oh I will, I won't, I doubt, I don't,I'm not surprised but I never feel quite prepared."
But I doubt it.
Drink = Whatever you buy that pretty girl at the other end of the bar.
And here we go again.
-M
You've been dumped.
Ah the break up. No matter how old you get, no matter how many relationships you have, no matter how thick your skin is, everyone has to experience at least one devastating break up. It usually happens in your early twenties, you fall hard, maybe with someone you perceive to be out of you league. It's tumultuous from the start, with emotions at a boiling point almost immediately (a side effect of falling head over heels). And then suddenly, it's over. And you're dying inside. You'll never be the same again. You'll never love another person. Or maybe you'll just hang around in pyjama pants for a few days drinking wine. Well, if there's one thing I've learned from repeated heartbreak, it's nothing gets you through those black days and weeks better than music (booze comes in a close second).
So, as a public service to every heart broken guy or gal out there, here it is.
Ten Albums (and Ten Drinks) to Ease You Through A Break Up
They're in descending order from Most Heartbroken to Almost Recovered. So let's start it off with the worst.
10. Tom Waits - Small Change
Step right up dejected youngsters and let me teach you a little something about broken hearts. If anyone had ever attempted to distill the sound of a heart tearing in half, the result surely would have been Small Change.
A whiskey soaked masterpiece that reeks of cigarette smoke and cheap hooch, Tom recorded it in 1976, in the midst of his Jazz influenced, drunken beatnik persona. And he definitely lives up to it on this album. From Bad Liver and a Broken Heart to The Piano Has Been Drinking to the excellent advice on Invitation To The Blues, Tom keep's the tone of the album set strictly to devastation. But amazingly, it's the album's opening track that nails the entire thesis down in under seven minutes. Tom Traubert's Blues, largely based on an 1890 Australian folksong, takes it's tone from it's own subtitle, Nine Sheets To The Wind in Copenhagen. Though he claimed many different inspirations for this particular song (in a famous Australian bootleg he refers to it's subject matter as 'throwing up in a foreign country'), his producer on the album, Bones Howe, had this to say about the song's genesis:
"He said the most wonderful thing about writing that song. He went down and hung around on skid row in L.A. because he wanted to get stimulated for writing this material. He called me up and said, 'I went down to skid row ... I bought a pint of rye. In a brown paper bag.' I said, 'Oh really?'. 'Yeah - hunkered down, drank the pint of rye, went home, threw up, and wrote 'Tom Traubert's Blues... Every guy down there ... everyone I spoke to, a woman put him there."
Amen to that.
Coinciding Drink = Bottle of Glenlivit Single Malt Scotch, Glass, No ice, sitting on the Floor of your apartment, with a picture of him/her in your hand.
9. Joni Mitchell - Blue
Oh, poor Joni. Where to start on this tear stained masterpiece. A breakup album spanning at least three relationships, this album has the distinction of being so incestuous as to employ two of her former lovers as session players and one as producer. A heroin ravaged James Taylor plays occasional guitars, and a coke fueled Stephen Stills contributes his own six string accompaniment on songs that may have actually been inspired by the men themselves, all while a third lover, David Crosby, was overseeing the album from the booth. Jeez. Talk about masochistic.
I own most of these albums on vinyl, and that's where they hit you the hardest. The first side of this album is all promise and excitement, inspired by Joni's European sabbatical where she wrote much of the music of Blue. But on the last track of side one, the clouds start to roll in. "Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, Well I don't think so But I'm gonna take a look around it though".
Side B starts off with California, a fairly upbeat song that inspired Zeppelin to write their own ode to the Sunshine State, and then takes an abrupt turn towards affairs of the heart. This Flight Tonight tells us that maybe leaving isn't always the best way to escape, while River remains possibly the saddest Christmas Carol ever written. Although the album closes with The Last Time I Saw Richard, I always thought it's emotional centerpiece was A Case Of You, and the last refrain tells the whole sorry tale:
"You're in my blood like holy wine, you taste so bitter and yet so sweet, oh I could drink a case of you and I'd still be on my feet". Drink up, Joni.
Drink = A Case of J Lohr Seven Oaks Cabernet Sauvignon, Still on the Floor
8. Whiskeytown - Stranger's Almanac
What would heartbreak be without country rock? It'd be fucking boring, that's what. Ryan Adam's old band had their major label debut in 1997 with this album, and the wounds of love colour this as much as any of Adams' later solo work.
A bit more upbeat than the previous two entries, this album serves as the soundtrack to a very important part of the grieving process : loudly (and drunkenly) slandering your ex. This part requires the help of two or three close friends, a few bottles of strong hooch and a nice sound system to blast the music from while agreeing with everyone that "That bitch wasn't worth it, man" or "You know he wasn't good enough for you, he was a complete loser". It's ok, they don't really mean it (usually), but there's something about country music that makes everyone want to act like a relationship psychiatrist. Go with the catharsis, you know you'll just be texting them at 1am anyway.
Oh, and be forewarned. The songs may sound upbeat but by the second track on the album, you know exactly where you are:
"Well excuse me if I break my own heart tonight, some things aren't born too strong and have to learn how to fight, this situation keeps me drinking every goddamn day and night, this situation don't seem so right.".
Drink = Wild Turkey 101 and Coke, plenty of ice, and a pack of Marlboros, sitting at your Kitchen Table
7. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
Oh dear. You messed up, didn't you? You woke up in the morning (instead of the afternoon or evening), got out of bed, showered, shaved or did your hair, put on your sunglasses and went out into the world. It's been a few days or a week, and you just feel...ok. You feel like, alright, I can do this. It's not such a big deal. I feel fine. I'm going to get back to my life.
Then someone walks by you wearing her perfume or you see a guy that looks like him or you hear a song on the radio that used to remind you of how much you two were perfect for each other, and the facade collapses, and you're back in the fetal position on the couch, watching Seinfeld reruns and ignoring your roommates pleas to at least put some pants on. You need a breather.
Bon Iver is not really a band so much as one guy, Justin Vernon and, as the title indicates, this album was written at the end of a relationship. But under very interesting circumstances.
After breaking up with both a band and a girl, Vernon retreated to a rural cabin in Wisconsin for a few months, and recorded this whole album himself by overdubbing all the vocals and instruments. What resulted was an album that projects the very essence of mourning in the depths of winter. Vernon sings the entire album in a whispery falsetto that is at times both comforting and foreboding, and his lyricism is matched only by his ability to stretch thin production and low fi recording into an almost symphonic depth. When he screams "Now if all your love is wasted, then who the hell was I?", his pain is palpable, and when he whispers "All my love was down in the frozen ground", you can almost feel the cold.
Drink = Sailor Jerry Rum and Ginger Beer (a Dark and Stormy), in a chair by the window.
6.Bob Dylan - Blood on the Tracks
Where would we all be, musically, without good ol' Bobby Zimmerman?
Regarded as one of the classic breakup albums, Blood tells the story of Dylan's separation from then-wife Sara Lownds (a union that gave birth to singer songwriter Jakob Dylan of the Wallflowers). The songs were recorded twice, once fully in New York and again in Minneapolis, with tracks from both sessions included on the final album. From Tangled Up In Blue to Buckets of Rain, the songs on this album put forth stark and honest questions about love and loss, about innocence and betrayal, and about dealing with hating and loving someone at the same time. When Dylan sings "Suddenly I turned around and she was standing there...", you hear a kind of emotional honesty you don't usually get from a musician of his status and reputation. Just goes to show you what love can do to even the most stoical heart.
Drink = Cheap red Wine, on the Couch
5. Derek and the Dominos - Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs
This one is a tough one. This is the part where you're leaving drunken answering machine messages and texting a hundred times a day and updating your facebook status seven times a day with lyrics that remind you how sad you are (which is every song in the world). You all know the story (or you should), but for those not in the know, let me break it down.
Eric Clapton, guitar god, is friends with George Harrison, Beatle. George is married to Pattie Boyd, model. Clapton want Pattie. Patti rejects him. Clapton wants cocaine. Cocaine does not reject him, and neither does heroin. Pattie eventually leaves George for Clapton, and they get married, but the marriage doesn't last (these affairs never do), and from this awful experience, one of the greatest rock albums of all time was born (George and Eric remained friends).
Everyone knows the title track, with it's shredding guitar lick (curtesy of Duane Allman) and piano coda. But for me, it's the second track on the album, Bell Bottom Blues, that does it:
"Do you wanna see me crawl across the floor to you, do you wanna hear me beg you to take me back? I'll gladly do it."
A sprawling double album, perfect company for a long, dark night alone with your thoughts.
Drink = Whatever you want, Just stay away from the Junk
4.Jackson Browne - Late For The Sky
This is one of my personal favorites. You might know Jackson Browne best from a song recorded by another band. "Take It Easy", one of The Eagles many hits, was written by Browne, and many of the eagles play or sing on this album.
Though many of the songs on this album hold amazing melodies and lyrics, the standout track is, again, the first on the album and also the title track. Late For The Sky, dominated by David Lindley's mournful slide guitar and vocal harmonies from Don Henley and JD Souther, this masterpiece may be the best example I've heard to date of a broken man asking "why?" to nobody in particular. It also boasts my all time favorite lyric:
"How long have I been sleeping, how long have I been drifting alone through the night, how long have I been dreaming I could make it right if I closed my eyes and tried with all my might to be the one you need."
After this chorus is a musical break, a single snare shot bringing us back from the brink to a Lindley slide solo that sounds like a prayer.
Drink - Gin and Tonic with a splash of Bitters, at your Piano or, failing that, a good book
3. Beck - Sea Change
On the road to recovery, we have Beck's great breakup album. All desert wind and sunrises, change is the essence of this record. The opening lines, "Put your hands on the wheel, let the golden age begin" tell us that maybe, just maybe, everything's going to be alright. This is the perfect come-down record for when the sky doesn't seem quite as dark, the world maybe a little less mean, and the pain a little subdued. Put the needle to the groove and let the relaxed instrumentation take you away to a place in your mind that belongs to you, and you alone.
Drink = Coronas with a lime wedge on the Deck. Get outside.
2. Brendan Benson - My Old, Familiar Friend
"I fell in love with you, then out of love with you, then back in love with you all in the same day" Benson sings on the opening track of this album from the guy in the Racontours who isn't Jack White. There's something about this guy's voice and his arrangements that make it feel kind of timeless, like Buddy Holly or The Everley Brothers. This is the music that takes you out of your house and gets you back functioning as a normal person again, showering once a day, laughing it up, and keeping your cell phone firmly in the 'off' position after midnight. Every now and then you might think about them, but you feel like you've gotten through the worst of it, learned something, maybe even become a better person because of it. After all, he says "I fell in love with you", but he also says "I feel a whole lot better when you're not around".
Drink = Vodka and Tonic, at a bar
And the final stage.
1. Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
You've come full circle, and it's all here on this album. Grief, regret, catharsis and triumph, as well as some of the most beautiful music recorded in the past decade. With guest harmonies by the always amazing Emmylou Harris, Conor Oberst managed to record an entire album of excellent songs about not only heartbreak, but about redemption and the changes that come along with love and loss.
Well there you go. It's over, or it's just beginning, depending on which way you look at things, and you've become the person you used to be again. You've lived through something that everyone must, at some point, conquer. And you're left with a lot of time passed but not wasted, and maybe even a few lessons learned. And you're still not quite sure what to make of this whole 'love' thing, but maybe next time, things will be different.
"So I go back and forth forever, All my thoughts they come in pairs, Oh I will, I won't, I doubt, I don't,I'm not surprised but I never feel quite prepared."
But I doubt it.
Drink = Whatever you buy that pretty girl at the other end of the bar.
And here we go again.
-M
Friday, January 22, 2010
So I'm Told (a poem).
I am not a man
i am a shell
i am a mask
I am a shadow of life,
that once was
but Is Not Now.
I am not a human
i am a species
i am a parasite
i am a viper
defanged and
removed of my venom
I've been told
It's For My Own Good.
I am not an artist,
artists don't shower
artists are happy
artists vote liberal
artists burn car dealerships
and praise animals
and I eat Steak twice a Day,
or at least Once a Week.
I am certainly alive
I have a pulse
I bleed when cut
I bruise when struck
I am alive,
at least
They Tell Me So.
I am definitly free
I have no chains
There are no bars on my windows
My locks have keys
and I can walk about
I Am Definitly Free
but I am a Prisoner
of money
media saturation
connectivity, availability,
communications
and greed
my cellphone stops working
for an hour out of the day
I Panic.
in my own Free World
I Am a Prisoner.
I pray to God every Day,
my cell phone
my computer
the internet
the bank
my wallet
the government
the television
the news
Some days I don't even
See the Sun, and yet
I convince Myself
I see the world.
I Am a Christian
in that I am guilty
by association,
share the blame
with all my brothers
and sisters,
the blood on my hands
as red as theirs
"I wasn't there"
does not generally work
in the arguement of
religion
Guilt by association,
and I've already been
to Communion
in this I Am a Christian,
though most times
I wish I wasn't.
I am a Pacifist,
I advocate gun control
and dislike violence
while I stand
behind my suburban prison walls
with my Samsung ankle moniter
clasped in my hand,
I watch a war
I must admit
I never understood
continue unabated
while earthquakes turn
to ratings
and numbers
and political currency.
I am a Pacified Audience.
I am a Man
as much a Man
as I can be,
I think,
I have no children,
I have no Job,
no future career
I have no joy in life,
but I have a Social security number,
and I pay Taxes,
therefore I am
a Man.
Or so They tell Me.
i am a shell
i am a mask
I am a shadow of life,
that once was
but Is Not Now.
I am not a human
i am a species
i am a parasite
i am a viper
defanged and
removed of my venom
I've been told
It's For My Own Good.
I am not an artist,
artists don't shower
artists are happy
artists vote liberal
artists burn car dealerships
and praise animals
and I eat Steak twice a Day,
or at least Once a Week.
I am certainly alive
I have a pulse
I bleed when cut
I bruise when struck
I am alive,
at least
They Tell Me So.
I am definitly free
I have no chains
There are no bars on my windows
My locks have keys
and I can walk about
I Am Definitly Free
but I am a Prisoner
of money
media saturation
connectivity, availability,
communications
and greed
my cellphone stops working
for an hour out of the day
I Panic.
in my own Free World
I Am a Prisoner.
I pray to God every Day,
my cell phone
my computer
the internet
the bank
my wallet
the government
the television
the news
Some days I don't even
See the Sun, and yet
I convince Myself
I see the world.
I Am a Christian
in that I am guilty
by association,
share the blame
with all my brothers
and sisters,
the blood on my hands
as red as theirs
"I wasn't there"
does not generally work
in the arguement of
religion
Guilt by association,
and I've already been
to Communion
in this I Am a Christian,
though most times
I wish I wasn't.
I am a Pacifist,
I advocate gun control
and dislike violence
while I stand
behind my suburban prison walls
with my Samsung ankle moniter
clasped in my hand,
I watch a war
I must admit
I never understood
continue unabated
while earthquakes turn
to ratings
and numbers
and political currency.
I am a Pacified Audience.
I am a Man
as much a Man
as I can be,
I think,
I have no children,
I have no Job,
no future career
I have no joy in life,
but I have a Social security number,
and I pay Taxes,
therefore I am
a Man.
Or so They tell Me.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Gimme Some More
Marketing gurus take notice. There is a new fad sweeping the underbelly of the Illegal Online Downloading community faster than chlamydia during Frosh Week.
You're sitting there, watching a torrent download it's last few percents. It finishes. You open "Jay Z: The Blueprint 3" and import it into your itunes. You listen away. Time passes.
A few hours later you're going through itunes, doing some cleaning up, and you notice a song title and band name you've never heard of and have no recollection downloading, buying, uploading, frontloading, imploding or otherwise. You wrack your brain. Nothing.
Then you check your latest downloaded torrent. There it is, among the Kanye duets, "Gimme Some More- Barton Fink". And then at the bottom of the torrent, a text file.
"README-BARTON FINK".
Hm. Curiouser and curiouser.
Upon opening the text file, you read following. "New band. Check them out. Spread the word." Simple Cryptic. Enticing.
I see what's happening here, you say to yourself. Some over enthusiastic nerd has slipped a shitty, Garageband-Produced track from his buddies' bar band into this torrent for a much more popular and talented act. You actually start getting a little angry, your web world penetrated for the first legitimate time. All those viruses and spyware were one thing, that was malicious destruction common of all parasites. But this is just damned presumptuous. Someone has forced THEIR taste onto me, without any permission from my side. It's like asking someone to borrow a book, and them saying "Sure, but you should take this one too. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's your style." Complimentary from a friend, offensive from a stranger.
You stare at the track name on itunes. Your mouse moves over it. You laugh derisively and prepare yourself for a shitty AC/DC ripoff or, worse, an AC/DC cover band.
Play.
Oh shit.
It's really. Fucking. Good.
Ladies and gentlemens,
Canada's own.
Barton Fink
Barton Fink-Gimme Some More
Listen. Enjoy. Go to the website. Download the album.
Cheers.
-M.
You're sitting there, watching a torrent download it's last few percents. It finishes. You open "Jay Z: The Blueprint 3" and import it into your itunes. You listen away. Time passes.
A few hours later you're going through itunes, doing some cleaning up, and you notice a song title and band name you've never heard of and have no recollection downloading, buying, uploading, frontloading, imploding or otherwise. You wrack your brain. Nothing.
Then you check your latest downloaded torrent. There it is, among the Kanye duets, "Gimme Some More- Barton Fink". And then at the bottom of the torrent, a text file.
"README-BARTON FINK".
Hm. Curiouser and curiouser.
Upon opening the text file, you read following. "New band. Check them out. Spread the word." Simple Cryptic. Enticing.
I see what's happening here, you say to yourself. Some over enthusiastic nerd has slipped a shitty, Garageband-Produced track from his buddies' bar band into this torrent for a much more popular and talented act. You actually start getting a little angry, your web world penetrated for the first legitimate time. All those viruses and spyware were one thing, that was malicious destruction common of all parasites. But this is just damned presumptuous. Someone has forced THEIR taste onto me, without any permission from my side. It's like asking someone to borrow a book, and them saying "Sure, but you should take this one too. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's your style." Complimentary from a friend, offensive from a stranger.
You stare at the track name on itunes. Your mouse moves over it. You laugh derisively and prepare yourself for a shitty AC/DC ripoff or, worse, an AC/DC cover band.
Play.
Oh shit.
It's really. Fucking. Good.
Ladies and gentlemens,
Canada's own.
Barton Fink
Barton Fink-Gimme Some More
Listen. Enjoy. Go to the website. Download the album.
Cheers.
-M.
Monday, December 21, 2009
the Flat Duo Jets
Sometimes, when my day is going shittily and my mood is that of a constipated Victorian gentleman from an Oscar Wilde play, I have this strange, depressing attack of panic where I feel like I've found all there is to find musically in the world. You ever get that? You're sitting at home, in front of the computer, with all the expanses of the internet and the world at your fingertips, and you can't think of a damned thing to watch, listen to or read.
Then something magical happens. Someone gives that Victorian gentleman a colonic and out comes my new favorite album (try to get that image out of your head, i dare ya).
Ladies and Gentleman, The Flat Duo Jets.
A little background information.
The Flat Duo Jets were a (mostly) two piece rockabilly/cowpunk/blues band who formed in North Carolina in the mid 1980's and broke up in the mid 90's, giving them just enough time to create one of the most unique sounds in the history of modern rock, meanwhile helping to spawn an entire genre of music (neo-garage) and leading to the possibility of such bands as The Strokes, The Black Keys and, especially, The White Stripes. This prototypical Guitar/Drums band is the REASON we're rocking out to such White Stripes cuts as Rag and Bone, one of the best songs on Icky Thump. Jack White regularly cites this band as a major influence, and you can hear it in dozens of other bands that have climbed the charts in recent years.
Now, I understand that this sort of puts more credo to the idea that Jack White steals everything he does but, hell. Everyone does. Zeppelin, the Doors, the Stones, even the Beatles were accused of plagiarism in their days, and they've stood the test of time.
The thing that I find so impressive about the Flat Duo Jets is this. I first heard of them, and heard a little of their music, in the documentary It Might Get Loud, where Jack White, The Edge and Jimmy Page show their musical influences, history and jam a little bit. White was ranting about how big of an influence they were so I figured I should check them out. The internet, being the tidal wave of access that it is, seemed unable to do much in terms of giving me free Duo Jets albums (because everyone knows only chumps pay for music. Kidding). The only one I could find, repeatedly, was a live album called Two Headed Cow , which is actually the soundtrack of sorts to a documentary of the same name based around the band (the documentary hasn't got a wide release yet, but you can find it if you look hard enough). I was hesitant to take a live album as the first impression I have of this band, especially considering what I presumed would be the result of such a live album: the sonic thinness that some White Stripes and Black Keys live cuts yield.
My my my, how I was wrong.
This album blows the hinges off my expectations. It's everything I love in music right now: Rawness, looseness, speed, attitude, and tons of distortion. With the charts, radio waves and clubs dominated by slicked over Kanye or Timbaland or Lady Gaga songs that sound like a computer on a spaceship in a Kubrick film approximating what it THINKS music sounds like, this album sounds like The Black Keys and the White Stripes covering Link Wray in a barroom in Hell. Cuts like Rawhide show how dynamic this band can sound even in an instrumental, while Frog Went a Courtin' proves that even centuries old songs can be shined up and made new by a few kids with electric guitars and grease in their hair.
This album, and this band, are clearly an important piece of musical history, and a good look at where some of the best music of today learned it's chops. And it's also incredible for this reason: although the band only recorded from the mid 80's to the late 90's, every one of their tracks sound timeless, at once raw and polished, like that old guitar in your closet with the bent neck and the broken tuning keys. Sure, it may not look like much, but it can still howl.
-M
Then something magical happens. Someone gives that Victorian gentleman a colonic and out comes my new favorite album (try to get that image out of your head, i dare ya).
Ladies and Gentleman, The Flat Duo Jets.
A little background information.
The Flat Duo Jets were a (mostly) two piece rockabilly/cowpunk/blues band who formed in North Carolina in the mid 1980's and broke up in the mid 90's, giving them just enough time to create one of the most unique sounds in the history of modern rock, meanwhile helping to spawn an entire genre of music (neo-garage) and leading to the possibility of such bands as The Strokes, The Black Keys and, especially, The White Stripes. This prototypical Guitar/Drums band is the REASON we're rocking out to such White Stripes cuts as Rag and Bone, one of the best songs on Icky Thump. Jack White regularly cites this band as a major influence, and you can hear it in dozens of other bands that have climbed the charts in recent years.
Now, I understand that this sort of puts more credo to the idea that Jack White steals everything he does but, hell. Everyone does. Zeppelin, the Doors, the Stones, even the Beatles were accused of plagiarism in their days, and they've stood the test of time.
The thing that I find so impressive about the Flat Duo Jets is this. I first heard of them, and heard a little of their music, in the documentary It Might Get Loud, where Jack White, The Edge and Jimmy Page show their musical influences, history and jam a little bit. White was ranting about how big of an influence they were so I figured I should check them out. The internet, being the tidal wave of access that it is, seemed unable to do much in terms of giving me free Duo Jets albums (because everyone knows only chumps pay for music. Kidding). The only one I could find, repeatedly, was a live album called Two Headed Cow , which is actually the soundtrack of sorts to a documentary of the same name based around the band (the documentary hasn't got a wide release yet, but you can find it if you look hard enough). I was hesitant to take a live album as the first impression I have of this band, especially considering what I presumed would be the result of such a live album: the sonic thinness that some White Stripes and Black Keys live cuts yield.
My my my, how I was wrong.
This album blows the hinges off my expectations. It's everything I love in music right now: Rawness, looseness, speed, attitude, and tons of distortion. With the charts, radio waves and clubs dominated by slicked over Kanye or Timbaland or Lady Gaga songs that sound like a computer on a spaceship in a Kubrick film approximating what it THINKS music sounds like, this album sounds like The Black Keys and the White Stripes covering Link Wray in a barroom in Hell. Cuts like Rawhide show how dynamic this band can sound even in an instrumental, while Frog Went a Courtin' proves that even centuries old songs can be shined up and made new by a few kids with electric guitars and grease in their hair.
This album, and this band, are clearly an important piece of musical history, and a good look at where some of the best music of today learned it's chops. And it's also incredible for this reason: although the band only recorded from the mid 80's to the late 90's, every one of their tracks sound timeless, at once raw and polished, like that old guitar in your closet with the bent neck and the broken tuning keys. Sure, it may not look like much, but it can still howl.
-M
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Merry Christmas (Now I Know What A TV Dinner Feels Like)
What is it about the Christmas season that makes me want to lure burglars into my booby trap riddled home? Or defend office buildings from foriegn terrorists? Or prowl the streets of Gotham beating the christ out of henchmen?
Christmas Movies. And not just any Christmas movies, but
THE TOP TEN, PAINT CAN IN THE FACE, YIPPIE KYAY MOTHERFUCKER CHRISTMAS MOVIES LIST!
This isn't your grandpa's Christmas Movie list (although it probably would be my Grandpa's list because he was a badass). Movies that will NOT be appearing on my (definitive) list: It's A Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, The Santa Clause. Why? Because they're fucking BORING. Extremely goddamned boring. Know why? It's simple: No explosions, no gun fire and no 'mobiles' of the Bat variety. Christmas movies that kickass need to get their time in the sun, and that's what I've come here today to do. So here it is. The OFFICIAL BEST TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER THAT CONTAIN EXPLOSIONS OR BAT SUITS OR OTHER AWESOME THINGS.
I don't like too much hugging or learning from a yuletide cinema experience. I like a lot of terrorists getting blown away or a lot of supervillains getting beaten up. Or At the very least, Muppets.
That being said.
10. A Muppet's Christmas Carol
I know. I know. It's a surprise entry at number ten, but have you seen this fucking film? It's terrifying! It's the cinematic equivelent of someone slipping Charles Dickens a tab of acid then whispering a David Lynch screenplay in his ears while he sleeps. This movie is all kinds of fucked up. Where to begin?
OH, how about that Ebeneezer Scrooge is played by MICHAEL FREAKIN' CAINE. Not Jim Carrey. Not Allistar Sim (for those neo-classic lovers). Michael God Damn Caine (actual middle name). A cockney, whiskey and lager drinking Ebeneezer who's not going to cower in the corner because some queer little ghost friend comes back from the dead to tell him he's a bad person. He's gonna punch that ghost in it's stupid ghost face. Which brings me to my next point:
The Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come. What. The. Fuck Henson Company. I was six years old when this came out in 1992 and the second this character came on screen, I broke my two year No Accidents streak by promptly wetting my pants. I know he's supposed to be a harbinger of all the bad things Scrooge has brought on himself and others, but is it really neccessary to frighten the childhood audience with a literal Apparaition of Death Himself? That's just mean. But effective. Which is why Muppet Christmas Carol sneaks into the list at number ten. That, and fucking Muppets. Throw them in your film, it makes every top ten list.
9. Scrooged
I know. I know. It's basically the same movie right? WRONG ASSHOLE. Scrooged is awesomer than every other rendition of Dicken's Christmas Carol for one reason summed up in five words: Bill Ghost Bustin' Ass Murray. As soon as his pock marked face and ridiculous 80's hair come on screen, I know I'm in for a cynical, mean and slightly condescending movie disguised as a family comedy. Case in point? Groundhog Day. Family movie? Wrong. Bill spends the entire middle section of the moving repeatedly committing suicide. If that isn't a great metaphor for life, I don't know what is: even when you want to end it all, life finds a way to make you stick around until the bitter, dissapointing end (I always turn off the movie when bill starts doing good things. That's just stupid).
In Scrooged, Murray plays Frank Cross, a crass and evil television executive bent on world domination...or underpaying his employees or something. Actually, I can't remember him doing anything that I didn't find either awesome or hilarious, so I'm not sure I'd agree he's a candidate for the Christmas Learning Timewarp, but I guess that's why I'm not a vengeful spirit. Yet...
Also: Ghost Taxi. Always an excellent addition to your film. So's Bobcat Goldthwait for that matter. Anyone named Bobcat's gotta be worth a few extra points.
8. Edward Scissorhands
I'm kidding. I hate that fucking movie.
8. Batman Returns
That's better! Edward Scissorhands has NOTHING on this creepy, violent, slightly frightening outing by the winning team of Tim Burton and Michael Keaton's Awful Haircut (in case you haven't noticed, bad haircuts are pretty much standard in all awesome Chrsitmas films). And for those of you that forgot this movie takes place during the holiday season, you're about to get schooled.
Reasons this film makes for excellent Holiday viewing:
A. Michael Keaton's portrayal of the Caped Crusader. Veering left from the later celebrated Brooding Bitch portrayal popularized by Val Kilmer and Christian "What Don't You Fucking Understand?" Bale, Keaton instead decided to make Batman look, act and live like a bored accountant, barely able to lift his sagging ass out of bed to go to work (even though work for him consisted of kicking ass and driving a Batmobile).
2. Batman KILLS people. A LOT of people. Watch it again and try to keep up with the body count. I mean, it's one thing for the Dark Knight to kill the bad guy at the end of the movie. By then the villain's done so many horrible things that not killing him would make no sense. But in THIS film, Batman kills EVERYBODY. And not even in merciful, Bat-like ways. He torches one guy alive with his car's jet engine for christ's sake.
C. Michelle Pfiefer's ass. That's it.
7. Ernest Saves Christmas
Like I need to explain this one. Next.
6. Silent Night, Deadly Night
If you haven't seen this document of insanity yet, do yourself a favour: rent it, sit down, and prepare to be equally confused and offended. Check out the IMDB plot summary :
"After his parents are murdered, a young tormented teenager goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa, due to his stay at an orphanage where he was abused by the Mother Superior."
Confused? Well, you shouldn't be since that's ACTUALLY WHAT IT'S ABOUT. The plot makes no sense, the acting is horrible, the violence is strange and unsettling and best of all, the dvd comes with the transcript of a letter Mickey Rooney sent the producers and director of this film BEGGING them to reconsider releasing it and chastising them for being such horrible people. If you can anger the Mickster simply by showing up at work in the morning, your film definitly deserves the number 6 spot on my list. Extra points for allowing not one but FOUR sequals to be spun from this lamentable but highly entertaining Christmas Miracle.
5. Santa Claus Conquers The Aliens
Wow. What to say about this movie other than it just recently passed into public domain, so with a little bit of effort you can watch it online in it's entirity. Enjoy.
4. Bad Santa
Just when the Christmas Movie landscape was looking dull, childish and booooring, this little jem comes along and restores that old glow in my stomach (although that may be the rum nog I'm drinking).
This movie's got it all. Billy Bob Thornton, excessive drinking and fucking, a midget, and a scene where Santa rails the mom from Gilmour Girls, successfully completing every middle aged man in the worlds fantasies in less than a minute of screen time. Billy Bob is at his ascerbic best, weather it's insulting his young boy companion (a dumbfounded Brett Kelly in what I hope is his only role because, frankly, I think he's actually handicapped) or screaming rascist insults at a plastic mule (literally caused me to fall out of my chair when I watched it last Christmas but, again, that may have also been the Rum Nog).
In summary, Billy Bob can insult Canadian music audiences all he likes, as long as he continues to drink bourbon and call children "Fucking Retards". Makes you want to whistle Jingle Bells while burning down an orphanage, don't it?
3. Die Hard
Holy. Shit. Fucking Die Hard. How do I even explain this brilliant movie without using words like "Yippie Kiyay", which aren't even words. 2 Hours and 13 minute of Bruce Willis KTA (Kicking Terrorist Ass). You've got Bruce, Alan Rickman, a random black limo driver named Argyle, titties, cocaine. Everything awesome about the 80's.
When the opening titles of this movie show up, I just get the kind of childlike giggles that only happen when you're about to witness a Christmas miracle. A few things about Die Hard :
The German terrorists have a random black computer tech. This is awesome.
Bruce Willis' wife in the movie advises a pregnant woman to drink alcohol. This is awesome.
The title of the movie, Die Hard, makes no sense. This is awesome.
Bruce Willis, in a surprise turn of events, does NOT have a stupid haircut. And somehow, this is awesome.
The City Worker in the manhole who calls in to the head office to turn off the grid? The limo driver from Blank Cheque. IMDB it and bow down to my glory.
In summary, Die Hard is a perfect example of why to not fuck with Americans at Christmastime: cause Bruce Willis, that's why. Yippee Kiyay MISTER GRUBER (tv edit).
2 and 1!:
Home Alone 2 and 1!
That's right! Both of Kevin McCallister's Burglar Filled Epics are taking the gold medal and the runner up on my list. Why? I'm glad you asked.
Being a kid, you have to learn lots of things the hard way. Not to fuck with bees nests, dont take candy from strangers, dogs might bite you. But there's one thing no kid ever had to learn: how to THROW DOWN ON BURGLARS. The reason for this? Home Alone.
Home Alone, produced and written by the late, great John Hughes, tells the story of...why the fuck am I explaining it to you? If you haven't already watched this set of movies at least a hundred times throughout your life, then you're either in a coma or a terrorist. And if you're a terrorist, I must warn you: Die Hard.
Reasons why Home Alone One and Two are amazing:
Hilariously awesome hair,clothes and lines curtesy of the wonderful decade knowns as the 1980's ("Look what ya did ya little jerk" anyone?).
Kevin McCalister, a 7 year old, calls him mom "Stupid".
John Candy. Seriously. How many times do you get halfway through this film and go "HOLY SHIT I FORGOT YOU WERE IN THIS"? The answer is Every time.
New York. The sequal takes up right where the last one left off: Christmas. Did Kevin learn anything from his INITIAL run in with being alone and fighting burglars? Fuck no. He's just as stupid and crazy as before. Seriously, what other 8 year old gets on the wrong plane, ends up in the wrong city, and then just kind of goes "Oh well!" and goes about his day? Only one. Kevin.
Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. Watching Pesci and Stern scream in agony at the hands of Kevin's surprisingly deadly traps almost makes up for the fact that both actors no longer have a career. Their legends are set in stone the second the Wet Bandits make their first appearence.
Kevin's traps. How many parents do you think got concussed, cut, burned or (dare i say it) killed because of this fucking movie? These days it would have resulted in at least a dozen lawsuits, but back in the 80's men were still men and people were batshit crazy. I know of at least four seperate occasions where I injured my own mom with cockamammy booby traps. And the best part? The John Hughes Cartoonish Violence resulted in little or no injury to the parties involved, so every kid was duly surprised when the boobytraps resulted in traction for their parents, siblings or mailmen.
Tim Curry. In the second film, you spend less time worrying about the murderous burglars and more time wondering if Tim Curry is going to rape Macauley Culkin.
John William's Score. The creepiest fucking Christmas sounds since the screams of Jesus filled quiet subburban Jeruselem so many years ago.
Christmas Joy. I know, I know, I promised no hugging or learning, but the endings of these movies just make you want to swing paint cans from every staircase in the house until you knock Joe Pesci's teeth out. Catherine O'Hara is definitly my favorite Candian Actress, and she just typifies "Mom". Also, watching her lose her shit is hilarious.
Well, there you have it. My Christmas Movies That Kick ASS list. If you don't like it?
Tough shit. Make your own list.
-M
Christmas Movies. And not just any Christmas movies, but
THE TOP TEN, PAINT CAN IN THE FACE, YIPPIE KYAY MOTHERFUCKER CHRISTMAS MOVIES LIST!
This isn't your grandpa's Christmas Movie list (although it probably would be my Grandpa's list because he was a badass). Movies that will NOT be appearing on my (definitive) list: It's A Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, The Santa Clause. Why? Because they're fucking BORING. Extremely goddamned boring. Know why? It's simple: No explosions, no gun fire and no 'mobiles' of the Bat variety. Christmas movies that kickass need to get their time in the sun, and that's what I've come here today to do. So here it is. The OFFICIAL BEST TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER THAT CONTAIN EXPLOSIONS OR BAT SUITS OR OTHER AWESOME THINGS.
I don't like too much hugging or learning from a yuletide cinema experience. I like a lot of terrorists getting blown away or a lot of supervillains getting beaten up. Or At the very least, Muppets.
That being said.
10. A Muppet's Christmas Carol
I know. I know. It's a surprise entry at number ten, but have you seen this fucking film? It's terrifying! It's the cinematic equivelent of someone slipping Charles Dickens a tab of acid then whispering a David Lynch screenplay in his ears while he sleeps. This movie is all kinds of fucked up. Where to begin?
OH, how about that Ebeneezer Scrooge is played by MICHAEL FREAKIN' CAINE. Not Jim Carrey. Not Allistar Sim (for those neo-classic lovers). Michael God Damn Caine (actual middle name). A cockney, whiskey and lager drinking Ebeneezer who's not going to cower in the corner because some queer little ghost friend comes back from the dead to tell him he's a bad person. He's gonna punch that ghost in it's stupid ghost face. Which brings me to my next point:
The Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come. What. The. Fuck Henson Company. I was six years old when this came out in 1992 and the second this character came on screen, I broke my two year No Accidents streak by promptly wetting my pants. I know he's supposed to be a harbinger of all the bad things Scrooge has brought on himself and others, but is it really neccessary to frighten the childhood audience with a literal Apparaition of Death Himself? That's just mean. But effective. Which is why Muppet Christmas Carol sneaks into the list at number ten. That, and fucking Muppets. Throw them in your film, it makes every top ten list.
9. Scrooged
I know. I know. It's basically the same movie right? WRONG ASSHOLE. Scrooged is awesomer than every other rendition of Dicken's Christmas Carol for one reason summed up in five words: Bill Ghost Bustin' Ass Murray. As soon as his pock marked face and ridiculous 80's hair come on screen, I know I'm in for a cynical, mean and slightly condescending movie disguised as a family comedy. Case in point? Groundhog Day. Family movie? Wrong. Bill spends the entire middle section of the moving repeatedly committing suicide. If that isn't a great metaphor for life, I don't know what is: even when you want to end it all, life finds a way to make you stick around until the bitter, dissapointing end (I always turn off the movie when bill starts doing good things. That's just stupid).
In Scrooged, Murray plays Frank Cross, a crass and evil television executive bent on world domination...or underpaying his employees or something. Actually, I can't remember him doing anything that I didn't find either awesome or hilarious, so I'm not sure I'd agree he's a candidate for the Christmas Learning Timewarp, but I guess that's why I'm not a vengeful spirit. Yet...
Also: Ghost Taxi. Always an excellent addition to your film. So's Bobcat Goldthwait for that matter. Anyone named Bobcat's gotta be worth a few extra points.
8. Edward Scissorhands
I'm kidding. I hate that fucking movie.
8. Batman Returns
That's better! Edward Scissorhands has NOTHING on this creepy, violent, slightly frightening outing by the winning team of Tim Burton and Michael Keaton's Awful Haircut (in case you haven't noticed, bad haircuts are pretty much standard in all awesome Chrsitmas films). And for those of you that forgot this movie takes place during the holiday season, you're about to get schooled.
Reasons this film makes for excellent Holiday viewing:
A. Michael Keaton's portrayal of the Caped Crusader. Veering left from the later celebrated Brooding Bitch portrayal popularized by Val Kilmer and Christian "What Don't You Fucking Understand?" Bale, Keaton instead decided to make Batman look, act and live like a bored accountant, barely able to lift his sagging ass out of bed to go to work (even though work for him consisted of kicking ass and driving a Batmobile).
2. Batman KILLS people. A LOT of people. Watch it again and try to keep up with the body count. I mean, it's one thing for the Dark Knight to kill the bad guy at the end of the movie. By then the villain's done so many horrible things that not killing him would make no sense. But in THIS film, Batman kills EVERYBODY. And not even in merciful, Bat-like ways. He torches one guy alive with his car's jet engine for christ's sake.
C. Michelle Pfiefer's ass. That's it.
7. Ernest Saves Christmas
Like I need to explain this one. Next.
6. Silent Night, Deadly Night
If you haven't seen this document of insanity yet, do yourself a favour: rent it, sit down, and prepare to be equally confused and offended. Check out the IMDB plot summary :
"After his parents are murdered, a young tormented teenager goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa, due to his stay at an orphanage where he was abused by the Mother Superior."
Confused? Well, you shouldn't be since that's ACTUALLY WHAT IT'S ABOUT. The plot makes no sense, the acting is horrible, the violence is strange and unsettling and best of all, the dvd comes with the transcript of a letter Mickey Rooney sent the producers and director of this film BEGGING them to reconsider releasing it and chastising them for being such horrible people. If you can anger the Mickster simply by showing up at work in the morning, your film definitly deserves the number 6 spot on my list. Extra points for allowing not one but FOUR sequals to be spun from this lamentable but highly entertaining Christmas Miracle.
5. Santa Claus Conquers The Aliens
Wow. What to say about this movie other than it just recently passed into public domain, so with a little bit of effort you can watch it online in it's entirity. Enjoy.
4. Bad Santa
Just when the Christmas Movie landscape was looking dull, childish and booooring, this little jem comes along and restores that old glow in my stomach (although that may be the rum nog I'm drinking).
This movie's got it all. Billy Bob Thornton, excessive drinking and fucking, a midget, and a scene where Santa rails the mom from Gilmour Girls, successfully completing every middle aged man in the worlds fantasies in less than a minute of screen time. Billy Bob is at his ascerbic best, weather it's insulting his young boy companion (a dumbfounded Brett Kelly in what I hope is his only role because, frankly, I think he's actually handicapped) or screaming rascist insults at a plastic mule (literally caused me to fall out of my chair when I watched it last Christmas but, again, that may have also been the Rum Nog).
In summary, Billy Bob can insult Canadian music audiences all he likes, as long as he continues to drink bourbon and call children "Fucking Retards". Makes you want to whistle Jingle Bells while burning down an orphanage, don't it?
3. Die Hard
Holy. Shit. Fucking Die Hard. How do I even explain this brilliant movie without using words like "Yippie Kiyay", which aren't even words. 2 Hours and 13 minute of Bruce Willis KTA (Kicking Terrorist Ass). You've got Bruce, Alan Rickman, a random black limo driver named Argyle, titties, cocaine. Everything awesome about the 80's.
When the opening titles of this movie show up, I just get the kind of childlike giggles that only happen when you're about to witness a Christmas miracle. A few things about Die Hard :
The German terrorists have a random black computer tech. This is awesome.
Bruce Willis' wife in the movie advises a pregnant woman to drink alcohol. This is awesome.
The title of the movie, Die Hard, makes no sense. This is awesome.
Bruce Willis, in a surprise turn of events, does NOT have a stupid haircut. And somehow, this is awesome.
The City Worker in the manhole who calls in to the head office to turn off the grid? The limo driver from Blank Cheque. IMDB it and bow down to my glory.
In summary, Die Hard is a perfect example of why to not fuck with Americans at Christmastime: cause Bruce Willis, that's why. Yippee Kiyay MISTER GRUBER (tv edit).
2 and 1!:
Home Alone 2 and 1!
That's right! Both of Kevin McCallister's Burglar Filled Epics are taking the gold medal and the runner up on my list. Why? I'm glad you asked.
Being a kid, you have to learn lots of things the hard way. Not to fuck with bees nests, dont take candy from strangers, dogs might bite you. But there's one thing no kid ever had to learn: how to THROW DOWN ON BURGLARS. The reason for this? Home Alone.
Home Alone, produced and written by the late, great John Hughes, tells the story of...why the fuck am I explaining it to you? If you haven't already watched this set of movies at least a hundred times throughout your life, then you're either in a coma or a terrorist. And if you're a terrorist, I must warn you: Die Hard.
Reasons why Home Alone One and Two are amazing:
Hilariously awesome hair,clothes and lines curtesy of the wonderful decade knowns as the 1980's ("Look what ya did ya little jerk" anyone?).
Kevin McCalister, a 7 year old, calls him mom "Stupid".
John Candy. Seriously. How many times do you get halfway through this film and go "HOLY SHIT I FORGOT YOU WERE IN THIS"? The answer is Every time.
New York. The sequal takes up right where the last one left off: Christmas. Did Kevin learn anything from his INITIAL run in with being alone and fighting burglars? Fuck no. He's just as stupid and crazy as before. Seriously, what other 8 year old gets on the wrong plane, ends up in the wrong city, and then just kind of goes "Oh well!" and goes about his day? Only one. Kevin.
Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. Watching Pesci and Stern scream in agony at the hands of Kevin's surprisingly deadly traps almost makes up for the fact that both actors no longer have a career. Their legends are set in stone the second the Wet Bandits make their first appearence.
Kevin's traps. How many parents do you think got concussed, cut, burned or (dare i say it) killed because of this fucking movie? These days it would have resulted in at least a dozen lawsuits, but back in the 80's men were still men and people were batshit crazy. I know of at least four seperate occasions where I injured my own mom with cockamammy booby traps. And the best part? The John Hughes Cartoonish Violence resulted in little or no injury to the parties involved, so every kid was duly surprised when the boobytraps resulted in traction for their parents, siblings or mailmen.
Tim Curry. In the second film, you spend less time worrying about the murderous burglars and more time wondering if Tim Curry is going to rape Macauley Culkin.
John William's Score. The creepiest fucking Christmas sounds since the screams of Jesus filled quiet subburban Jeruselem so many years ago.
Christmas Joy. I know, I know, I promised no hugging or learning, but the endings of these movies just make you want to swing paint cans from every staircase in the house until you knock Joe Pesci's teeth out. Catherine O'Hara is definitly my favorite Candian Actress, and she just typifies "Mom". Also, watching her lose her shit is hilarious.
Well, there you have it. My Christmas Movies That Kick ASS list. If you don't like it?
Tough shit. Make your own list.
-M
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)