Christmas Movies. And not just any Christmas movies, but
THE TOP TEN, PAINT CAN IN THE FACE, YIPPIE KYAY MOTHERFUCKER CHRISTMAS MOVIES LIST!
This isn't your grandpa's Christmas Movie list (although it probably would be my Grandpa's list because he was a badass). Movies that will NOT be appearing on my (definitive) list: It's A Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, The Santa Clause. Why? Because they're fucking BORING. Extremely goddamned boring. Know why? It's simple: No explosions, no gun fire and no 'mobiles' of the Bat variety. Christmas movies that kickass need to get their time in the sun, and that's what I've come here today to do. So here it is. The OFFICIAL BEST TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER THAT CONTAIN EXPLOSIONS OR BAT SUITS OR OTHER AWESOME THINGS.
I don't like too much hugging or learning from a yuletide cinema experience. I like a lot of terrorists getting blown away or a lot of supervillains getting beaten up. Or At the very least, Muppets.
That being said.
10. A Muppet's Christmas Carol
I know. I know. It's a surprise entry at number ten, but have you seen this fucking film? It's terrifying! It's the cinematic equivelent of someone slipping Charles Dickens a tab of acid then whispering a David Lynch screenplay in his ears while he sleeps. This movie is all kinds of fucked up. Where to begin?
OH, how about that Ebeneezer Scrooge is played by MICHAEL FREAKIN' CAINE. Not Jim Carrey. Not Allistar Sim (for those neo-classic lovers). Michael God Damn Caine (actual middle name). A cockney, whiskey and lager drinking Ebeneezer who's not going to cower in the corner because some queer little ghost friend comes back from the dead to tell him he's a bad person. He's gonna punch that ghost in it's stupid ghost face. Which brings me to my next point:
The Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come. What. The. Fuck Henson Company. I was six years old when this came out in 1992 and the second this character came on screen, I broke my two year No Accidents streak by promptly wetting my pants. I know he's supposed to be a harbinger of all the bad things Scrooge has brought on himself and others, but is it really neccessary to frighten the childhood audience with a literal Apparaition of Death Himself? That's just mean. But effective. Which is why Muppet Christmas Carol sneaks into the list at number ten. That, and fucking Muppets. Throw them in your film, it makes every top ten list.
9. Scrooged
I know. I know. It's basically the same movie right? WRONG ASSHOLE. Scrooged is awesomer than every other rendition of Dicken's Christmas Carol for one reason summed up in five words: Bill Ghost Bustin' Ass Murray. As soon as his pock marked face and ridiculous 80's hair come on screen, I know I'm in for a cynical, mean and slightly condescending movie disguised as a family comedy. Case in point? Groundhog Day. Family movie? Wrong. Bill spends the entire middle section of the moving repeatedly committing suicide. If that isn't a great metaphor for life, I don't know what is: even when you want to end it all, life finds a way to make you stick around until the bitter, dissapointing end (I always turn off the movie when bill starts doing good things. That's just stupid).
In Scrooged, Murray plays Frank Cross, a crass and evil television executive bent on world domination...or underpaying his employees or something. Actually, I can't remember him doing anything that I didn't find either awesome or hilarious, so I'm not sure I'd agree he's a candidate for the Christmas Learning Timewarp, but I guess that's why I'm not a vengeful spirit. Yet...
Also: Ghost Taxi. Always an excellent addition to your film. So's Bobcat Goldthwait for that matter. Anyone named Bobcat's gotta be worth a few extra points.
8. Edward Scissorhands
I'm kidding. I hate that fucking movie.
8. Batman Returns
That's better! Edward Scissorhands has NOTHING on this creepy, violent, slightly frightening outing by the winning team of Tim Burton and Michael Keaton's Awful Haircut (in case you haven't noticed, bad haircuts are pretty much standard in all awesome Chrsitmas films). And for those of you that forgot this movie takes place during the holiday season, you're about to get schooled.
Reasons this film makes for excellent Holiday viewing:
A. Michael Keaton's portrayal of the Caped Crusader. Veering left from the later celebrated Brooding Bitch portrayal popularized by Val Kilmer and Christian "What Don't You Fucking Understand?" Bale, Keaton instead decided to make Batman look, act and live like a bored accountant, barely able to lift his sagging ass out of bed to go to work (even though work for him consisted of kicking ass and driving a Batmobile).
2. Batman KILLS people. A LOT of people. Watch it again and try to keep up with the body count. I mean, it's one thing for the Dark Knight to kill the bad guy at the end of the movie. By then the villain's done so many horrible things that not killing him would make no sense. But in THIS film, Batman kills EVERYBODY. And not even in merciful, Bat-like ways. He torches one guy alive with his car's jet engine for christ's sake.
C. Michelle Pfiefer's ass. That's it.
7. Ernest Saves Christmas
Like I need to explain this one. Next.
6. Silent Night, Deadly Night
If you haven't seen this document of insanity yet, do yourself a favour: rent it, sit down, and prepare to be equally confused and offended. Check out the IMDB plot summary :
"After his parents are murdered, a young tormented teenager goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa, due to his stay at an orphanage where he was abused by the Mother Superior."
Confused? Well, you shouldn't be since that's ACTUALLY WHAT IT'S ABOUT. The plot makes no sense, the acting is horrible, the violence is strange and unsettling and best of all, the dvd comes with the transcript of a letter Mickey Rooney sent the producers and director of this film BEGGING them to reconsider releasing it and chastising them for being such horrible people. If you can anger the Mickster simply by showing up at work in the morning, your film definitly deserves the number 6 spot on my list. Extra points for allowing not one but FOUR sequals to be spun from this lamentable but highly entertaining Christmas Miracle.
5. Santa Claus Conquers The Aliens
Wow. What to say about this movie other than it just recently passed into public domain, so with a little bit of effort you can watch it online in it's entirity. Enjoy.
4. Bad Santa
Just when the Christmas Movie landscape was looking dull, childish and booooring, this little jem comes along and restores that old glow in my stomach (although that may be the rum nog I'm drinking).
This movie's got it all. Billy Bob Thornton, excessive drinking and fucking, a midget, and a scene where Santa rails the mom from Gilmour Girls, successfully completing every middle aged man in the worlds fantasies in less than a minute of screen time. Billy Bob is at his ascerbic best, weather it's insulting his young boy companion (a dumbfounded Brett Kelly in what I hope is his only role because, frankly, I think he's actually handicapped) or screaming rascist insults at a plastic mule (literally caused me to fall out of my chair when I watched it last Christmas but, again, that may have also been the Rum Nog).
In summary, Billy Bob can insult Canadian music audiences all he likes, as long as he continues to drink bourbon and call children "Fucking Retards". Makes you want to whistle Jingle Bells while burning down an orphanage, don't it?
3. Die Hard
Holy. Shit. Fucking Die Hard. How do I even explain this brilliant movie without using words like "Yippie Kiyay", which aren't even words. 2 Hours and 13 minute of Bruce Willis KTA (Kicking Terrorist Ass). You've got Bruce, Alan Rickman, a random black limo driver named Argyle, titties, cocaine. Everything awesome about the 80's.
When the opening titles of this movie show up, I just get the kind of childlike giggles that only happen when you're about to witness a Christmas miracle. A few things about Die Hard :
The German terrorists have a random black computer tech. This is awesome.
Bruce Willis' wife in the movie advises a pregnant woman to drink alcohol. This is awesome.
The title of the movie, Die Hard, makes no sense. This is awesome.
Bruce Willis, in a surprise turn of events, does NOT have a stupid haircut. And somehow, this is awesome.
The City Worker in the manhole who calls in to the head office to turn off the grid? The limo driver from Blank Cheque. IMDB it and bow down to my glory.
In summary, Die Hard is a perfect example of why to not fuck with Americans at Christmastime: cause Bruce Willis, that's why. Yippee Kiyay MISTER GRUBER (tv edit).
2 and 1!:
Home Alone 2 and 1!
That's right! Both of Kevin McCallister's Burglar Filled Epics are taking the gold medal and the runner up on my list. Why? I'm glad you asked.
Being a kid, you have to learn lots of things the hard way. Not to fuck with bees nests, dont take candy from strangers, dogs might bite you. But there's one thing no kid ever had to learn: how to THROW DOWN ON BURGLARS. The reason for this? Home Alone.
Home Alone, produced and written by the late, great John Hughes, tells the story of...why the fuck am I explaining it to you? If you haven't already watched this set of movies at least a hundred times throughout your life, then you're either in a coma or a terrorist. And if you're a terrorist, I must warn you: Die Hard.
Reasons why Home Alone One and Two are amazing:
Hilariously awesome hair,clothes and lines curtesy of the wonderful decade knowns as the 1980's ("Look what ya did ya little jerk" anyone?).
Kevin McCalister, a 7 year old, calls him mom "Stupid".
John Candy. Seriously. How many times do you get halfway through this film and go "HOLY SHIT I FORGOT YOU WERE IN THIS"? The answer is Every time.
New York. The sequal takes up right where the last one left off: Christmas. Did Kevin learn anything from his INITIAL run in with being alone and fighting burglars? Fuck no. He's just as stupid and crazy as before. Seriously, what other 8 year old gets on the wrong plane, ends up in the wrong city, and then just kind of goes "Oh well!" and goes about his day? Only one. Kevin.
Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. Watching Pesci and Stern scream in agony at the hands of Kevin's surprisingly deadly traps almost makes up for the fact that both actors no longer have a career. Their legends are set in stone the second the Wet Bandits make their first appearence.
Kevin's traps. How many parents do you think got concussed, cut, burned or (dare i say it) killed because of this fucking movie? These days it would have resulted in at least a dozen lawsuits, but back in the 80's men were still men and people were batshit crazy. I know of at least four seperate occasions where I injured my own mom with cockamammy booby traps. And the best part? The John Hughes Cartoonish Violence resulted in little or no injury to the parties involved, so every kid was duly surprised when the boobytraps resulted in traction for their parents, siblings or mailmen.
Tim Curry. In the second film, you spend less time worrying about the murderous burglars and more time wondering if Tim Curry is going to rape Macauley Culkin.
John William's Score. The creepiest fucking Christmas sounds since the screams of Jesus filled quiet subburban Jeruselem so many years ago.
Christmas Joy. I know, I know, I promised no hugging or learning, but the endings of these movies just make you want to swing paint cans from every staircase in the house until you knock Joe Pesci's teeth out. Catherine O'Hara is definitly my favorite Candian Actress, and she just typifies "Mom". Also, watching her lose her shit is hilarious.
Well, there you have it. My Christmas Movies That Kick ASS list. If you don't like it?
Tough shit. Make your own list.
-M
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