or What Happens When I Start Watching "Batman And Robin", Drink A Bottle Of Wine, And Switch To Raging Bull Halfway Through.
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Batman And Robin, 1997
Directed by Joel "Neon Penis" Schumacher
...and Oscar Nominee George Clooney as the Caped Crusader!
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DIALOGUE NOTES:
ROBIN-"Shit, I didn't see that huge rocket ship."
BATMAN-"Now Freeze is going to get away. Good fucking job Robin."
ROBIN-"Well if you hadn't taken so long painting on your eye liner we might have gotten here on time."
BATMAN-"This is why I don't take you out to parties. I can't wait until you join the Teen Titans."
ROBIN-"I want to go live with Christian Bale."
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INT. EVIL LABRATORY, NIGHT
A bolt of lightning splits the sky. UMA THURMAN as POISON IVY stands, surveying the wreckage of her career.
FADE OUT.
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DIALOGUE NOTES:
ROBIN-"Batman, I'm coming with you."
BATMAN-"Sure, after you spend ten hours in the simulator, training."
ROBIN-"...I really wish you would stop using those euphemisms and tell me how you really feel."
BATMAN-"..."
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PRODUCTION NOTES:
ME-"Joel, why does Mr.Freeze's suit run on diamonds?"
DIRECTOR-"Because Science, that's why."
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INT. BEDROOM, NIGHT
GEORGE CLOONEY as BRUCE WAYNE sits in bed, watching a VHS copy of The Return Of The Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes, rubbing his hairline mournfully.
FADE OUT
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DIALOGUE NOTES:
BATMAN-"Have you seen Alfred, Robin?"
ROBIN-"Yeah, I think I saw him upstairs earlier, doubled over and coughing."
BATMAN-"What? Was he Ok?"
ROBIN-"What am I, the butler? Ask him."
BATMAN-"...I wish you'd died at the circus with your stupid family."
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DIALOGUE NOTES:
ROBIN-"Bruce?"
BATMAN-"Yeah, Dick."
ROBIN-"Do you have any idea how any of these Bat-Computers work?"
BATMAN-"I can barely figure out why I'm in this movie."
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EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM, NIGHT
LIGHTNING cracks the sky (of course) as ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGER as MR FREEZE and JESSE VENTURA as JAIL GUARD stand in the CELL.
SCHWARZENNEGER- Can you believe we've both been elected Governor?
The both LAUGH MANIACALLY.
FADE OUT
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INT. GARAGE, NIGHT
ALICIA SILVERSTONE as ALICIA SILVERSTONE IN THIS MOVIE stands in front of CHRIS O'DONNEL as DICK GRAYSON.
ALICIA- My careers over, isn't it?
CHRIS- Don't worry. I'm not much further behind.
ALICIA begins to silently weep. CHRIS follows suit.
FADE OUT
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EXT. GOTHAM STREETS, NIGHT
DICK and ALICIA race motorcycles for some reason.
FADE OUT.
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INT. WAYNE MANOR, NIGHT
ALICIA and CHRIS stand around, acting badly. GEORGE CLOONEY walks by.
GEORGE- Don't mind me. I'm just passing through on the way to the rest of my fantastic career.
CHRIS begins to weep again. ALICIA takes another drink.
FADE OUT
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INSERT ENTIRE SCENE FROM "RAGING BULL". NO ONE WILL NOTICE.
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END.
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